I am a kinesthetic learner. I learn quicker and better from doing something with my body, than from reading or listening to new information. It’s sort of like the difference of reading a recipe for cooking – say French fish stew with rice and roasted roots vegetables – versus doing it for real, in the kitchen, chopping, blending, steaming, frying and baking away. And then finding out what the outcome is, what the result actually tastes like.

In Integral Coaching, we use the body for learning new ways of being. If a client’s goals would benefit from strengthening qualities of “softening” and “gentleness” we might give them assignments such as restorative yoga, receiving massage or spending quiet time in nature. If qualities of focus and assertiveness are called for, we might instead have the clients do warrior yoga poses, or send them to a class for public speaking.

I credit Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for many good things in my life, most of all how my conversations and relationships have changed over time from fear-filled, argumentative and agenda-driven to heart connected, authentic, mutual and cooperative. And, without 10+ years of immersion in NVC, I would not be able to thrive in my shared household or in my co-housing community; places where lots of wills, needs and differences are negotiated all the time.

But even with all that good stuff, during my entire “NVC life”, I’ve been missing the body in some fundamental way. (Not to say that numerous trainers have not developed a range of ways to bring in the body in the teachings – I was still missing it.) So… I started exploring if there might be a way to bring together what I’ve learned from my various somatic practices – dance, breathwork, exercise and martial arts – with the principles and processes of NVC. My hope is to provide a very different and effective system for learning how to stay connected to self and others – and be humbled by all of our humanity – while in conversation, collaboration or conflict.

Embodied Communication
So how do we embody communication? Well, it’s already happening: some researchers say that as much as 93% of interpersonal communication is nonverbal. Others argue the percentage rate, but all agree that communication happens also through postures, gestures, touch, eye-contact, along with (nonverbal) sounds and intonation.

By teasing out principles of NVC and distinguishing parts of its process, we can correlate those with specific poses, shapes, and moves. We can use breath at different levels of depth to connect to our mental clarity for “observations”, to the heart center for feelings, and to our core for universal needs. We can use a simple centering practice over and over again, so that our listening and expression becomes rooted in our own presence. We can use methods from (improvisational) dance to learn about the flow of conversation.

Given the importance of nonverbal communication in our relationships – and how disconcerting it is for any “listener” when verbal and nonverbal messages are out of alignment – I am convinced that developing “a body of a nonviolent communicator” is important.

Personal Practice
I have named this body of work “Flex Your Empathy Muscle” because I want to allude to those who see repeated practice as a path for integrating new skills and ways of being. The value of practice – be it mindfulness meditation or regular workout at the gym – is to have more presence or strength, respectively, to bring to actual situations in real life. Similarly, doing the “NVC kata” *) daily will shift how you access these principles; how readily available they are when you need them at work or at home or out in society.

If you have done 50 or 500 repetitions of the move that represents giving empathy – a shift from standing face-to-face to side by side – you will have that response as very real option when you talk with a person who is upset. If you have practiced over and over the gesture where “self expression” flows to a “request” you are likely to remember it also at times of fear, anger, or exuberance.

Vocabulary
After all that talk about the body, I want to revisit the fact that one aspect of “learning NVC” is to learn a new vocabulary: NVC provides us with a wonderful and lively palette of words for describing what goes on internally: our feelings and our needs. Part of the work for the student/practitioner is to learn new words. As part of the “NVC Kata”, we do this through reading and repetition. And we bring the new vocabulary alive by again inviting the body to play: What happens in your body when you tune in to feeling happy, irritable, or vulnerable? What shape comes naturally when you connect with the universal needs of meaning, sustenance, or support? And, how does your body organize when you are about to express gratitude, give feedback, or set a fierce boundary?

My hope is that this way of learning through embodied, repeated practice will benefit your integration of the life affirming principles and vocabulary of NVC, so that you’ll be empowered to use them freely in your work and life. I welcome you to check it out.

July 2010
Maja Bengtson

*) Footnote:  Kata (~”form”) is a Japanese word describing detailed choreographed patterns of movements practiced either solo or in pairs. The “NVC kata” is a “form” I designed for the purpose of integrating the principles, process and vocabulary of Nonviolent Communication.