Several coaching clients lately have presented with dilemmas around authenticity and belonging: “I know myself pretty well, but don’t have a sense that others know me – the real me.” Or, “I don’t experience that I can be the same ‘me’ at work and in my private life.” Or, “When I stand up for my values, I loose connection with my loved ones.” Becoming more authentic while also remaining in meaningful contact with those around me – what Bowen Family Systems Theory calls “Differentiation” – has been an important part of my own path. With my predisposition (personality, ego, enneagram type, dysfunctional family of origin – whatever we want to call it) it was easy to believe that it’s either “me” or “them”, that I had to be either authentic-and-alone, or inauthentic and part of the group.

I  believe that this either-or-duality is a widespread dilemma of the Western world. Some insist that others have to be or behave like them; some want to remove all “otherness” from the face of the earth or at least from their area; some get rigid around rituals and traditions that nurtures their sense of belonging, some pay the price of relationship to go off and be true to themselves. This dilemma has both individual and global ramifications. We see racism on the rise in Europe, hate crimes and gang activity of horrifying proportion in the US. And there is a lot of individual suffering going into lives not fully lived because of yielding to the group, or to ones own inner dialogue of what must be so.

Yet, we are “both and”: both individuals with our unique set of qualities, and interdependently part of a bigger whole. We are systems in and of ourselves, and also parts in larger systems of family, group, community, society, etc. In fact, we would not survive for many minutes if we were to discard all the ways we depend on others, even for the basic necessities in life. To experience “both and” as a lived reality, most of us has some inner work to do: getting to know ourselves more deeply, finding ways to be honest with that self, while – importantly – remaining in ‘meaningful emotional contact’ with loved ones.

I’ve always viewed Nonviolent Communication (“NVC”) as an amazingly simple yet powerful tool for developing “both-and” mentality. We practice advocating for ourselves while maintaining connection with others. We practice seeing individual preferences and idiosyncrasies as expressions of universal needs, of our shared human nature. We practice responding to what others say in ways that maintain connection, also when we disagree. On the other hand, this way of interacting is so “different” from everyday culture that many beginning students bump up against resistance when starting to use NVC with friends, family and co-workers. And then there is the risk of once again falling into the trap of wanting others to be like us – in this case that we’d want everyone to “speak NVC”.

Here lies one of my motivations for developing and sharing the “Flex Your Empathy Muscle” work: focusing on the purpose rather than the syntax of NVC, I was looking for a way for people to learn the principles of NVC and integrate these into a new way of being, one where more authenticity and belonging comes naturally.

I want to contribute to the ongoing strengthening of “both and” mentality, for myself and for others. I invite you to come explore with me in coaching or in learning NVC through the embodied practice.

Love to all,
Maja