There is a scene in the Avatar movie where our hero has to stop running and turn and face this humongous sci-fi monster. “You have to stand your ground” his helper says. So he does. Without knowing how, he finds his ground and claims his space – emotionally and energetically. If he had resorted to fist fighting, or otherwise relied on physical strength, he’d be dead in seconds.

This scene became my metaphor five or so years ago, when the US Immigration authority suddenly decided I had broken rules – which was not true – and had to go back to Sweden even for a brief visit to get my status re-set. I tried to talk back, went to their office in San Francisco, a good hand-holder-friend in tow, only to get an even harsher verdict. (“You are now out of status you have to leave the country.”) I didn’t think yelling like a bear would have changed the officer’s mind, and I did not even try. But that was about as upset I was: desperate to be seen for *me*. Instead I booked a ticket out of San Francisco. A couple of weeks later, I got my visa renewed in Stockholm and I came back and could start my new job. This was just the first of several times I was challenged in similar fashion. Required to ‘stand my ground’ with US immigration. At the embassy in Stockholm. At the US border. I kept on trying and had little successes that built on each other. Standing my ground, claiming my innocence, speaking my truth to that kind of power. Claiming my right to live in the USA, as it were. Then suddenly they gave me a Green Card in the lottery, as if I had graduated that particular lesson in life.

But sure I was angry at first. The way that comes with a feeling of helplessness and unfair treatment. And sure I was scared. My entire “life as I knew it” was at stake. (I had lived 11 years by then – as a legal alien – in the Bay Area, and had severed most of my ties with native Sweden. This has changed since that first incident; these days I am at home both here and there. Got more ground to stand on.)

Last week I introduced a group at a meditation center to Nonviolence and Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The next day someone asked for a followup conversation: At this big international gathering people share rooms, often with strangers, often with people from other cultures. This woman from Germany was rooming with one from Italy. A request had come up that was deeply upsetting. I provided comfort and tissues as best I could, and tried to listen with the deep empathy that is typical for NVC. None of my empathy guesses touched the sweet spot, though, did not provide any relief. But as the story unfolded, I got it that she felt humiliated more than hurt, a bit “disintegrated” in my terminology, as in “inside the experience of trauma”. She saw the temptation of following habit and give her power up for her roommate’s values, as in agreeing to what she did not want. She saw how she could change rooms and not change herself. And she saw that she could stick to her own deeper truth… Stand her ground. Of course it was particularly important to restore her sense of safety, as the shared room was her temporary “home”.

So, we teased out the “cause” – it’s always about the “cause” never about the person – What was the actual action; What were the actual words that had such impact? In fact the “cause” in this case was the words in combination with contradicting actions; A “different values for different people”-kind of dilemma. What this women ended up connecting with, that needed to be said, was in effect “I’m not different than you, and I want to behave in our room according to my own values, so I say ‘no’ to what you asked of me earlier.”

Even imagining expressing this provided big relief. Tears stopped, body language changed. She felt that she would be able to say this to her roommate. Off she went.

I ran into her a few hours later. Beaming, she reached out for both my hands to thank me. She told me what she had said and that the Italian women had just heard it and accepted. I said “nice”. She said “No, not nice. It’s WONDERFUL”.

On the theory side, this is like a schoolbook example of how we function, dynamically: An interaction that disrupts our sense of belonging  will trigger some degree of disintegration [of self structure]. To integrate, one powerful pathway is to articulate what is true for oneself. Ideally this articulation is directly with the person or persons of the triggering interaction. “I reclaim my humanity in your awareness; my intrinsic right to exist, along with you”. I speak only to the cause, my own feelings and needs in relation to the cause. No accusations; no ‘you said’ or ‘you did’. This is not about the other person, it’s about ones own “coming back to oneself”, from where connection comes with ease. No harsh words or criticism or revenge or argumentation are needed. And no guns.

In my first dabble with US Immigration, I chose to stand my ground via a letter explaining that their *decision* (that I had broken immigration rules) was an administrative mistake, my understanding how easy such mistake was to make, providing all evidence why it was a mistake, and so on… I have NO clue if that mattered in them approving the then pending application, but it helped ME. Reclaiming my dignity and right to belong and be treated fairly. Standing my ground.