“I’m so fed up with you” she said and pushed her 8-or-so-year old. Then one more push, harder this time. “You always want more and more”. And then one more push. I was standing on the side, waiting to get my smoothie, the family was placing orders. I stare at the young Mom, stunned to see such blatant expression by beautiful blonde people in the Swedish shopping mall… The girl said nothing, she just stepped back as she was pushed. I think perhaps my staring was noticed, but once again I felt completely unskillful in the face of “everyday violence” like this.

Drinking my smoothie a few minutes later, I realized what was so confusing to me: The “I’m so fed up with you” line, along with the push, which actually included an approach first, then push away. Three times. I bet this girl is used to it. The double messages “I love you [approach] and I hate you [push].” Adding the words, making Mom’s frustration be girl’s fault, effectively training her for more of the same, a prescription for being bullied in school, or victim later on to domestic violence. Even if this was a relatively benign event. Still the opposite of supporting the development of a stable self structure. A stable person who believes her expressions are valid.

A few weeks back, I learned a new word:

 

 

 

Even if this Mom in the mall was not swearing, I have to assume that the reason for the scene was to get emotional relief. It’s so strange, isn’t it, that we think that by making someone else feel bad, we feel better!  I say: Try making others feel BETTER while you’re upset, see what that does to your mood!

I recently talked with a friend – who I’ve known since he was about 8 – about this. He’s an expert lalochezia-user. He knows it puts him in trouble, but he says he just can’t stand it when people don’t have background information for their opinionated positions, or when children get hurt in wars or homes. So, he blurts out some profanity, and he gets some degree of relief.

The aspect of lalochezia that fascinates me the most is this notion of “what I feel is the other person’s fault”. “They make me feel upset.” Girl makes Mom fed up. People’s “stupidity” makes my friend see red. How is it possible? Are we really that much just puppets in the hands of “others”? Many who have spent some time unpacking their habits would agree with me: “No.” But then what? How can we shift our habits, our reactions, and gain some control over those puppet-strings?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has a rule of thumb: “Whatever I feel, is because the need for […….] is not being met.” It’s not the other person. “I feel because I need…”  What would the world look like, if only this shift in thinking could take place?? A universal recognition. I’m not a victim to your mood or behavior, my own responses and reactions come from inside my self.

Another quick fix is to ask for what we want. “Oh, could you stop asking for more, I was hoping you’d enjoy the smoothie I’m ordering?” Or, “could you do me a favor and research your data before you bring this into conversation with me?”  We reclaim our agency, and go after having needs met, instead of punishing – in word or deed – the “trigger” of the reaction. Do I have to say punishment usually fails? Lalochezia gives you emotional release, but nothing actually changes.

My personal view is that anger is a reaction to self-structure-disintegration. Anything that denies how we identify – my story of “who I think I am” – can shatter ones sense of self. Or something that rips out the natural dignity or intrinsic value we all come into life with. That, or “being outed” for some part of that we don’t want others to see or know… A wild and unchecked guess is that the Mom in the mall thought she was offering a great gift in form of a smoothie, and her self image – perhaps of being generous – was challenged by girls request for “more”.

Anger fully felt, instead of acted out with full emotionality, can be a creative force – one that has the great benefit of “integrating” us again. Everyone recognizes the clarity that can come with anger “This is what I want to do/say”. Working with anger is a key element in living nonviolently. We don’t expect to never “get triggered” (disintegrate), but we can learn how to use our anger skillfully, funnel it towards causes and needs instead of using it against people. Use it to come back to our own core and clarity – to integrate. Experience our intrinsic wholeness again.

But if anger is a reaction to disintegration, then there must be alternate ways to integrate! Yes, indeed: I’ve been working on a list for years… Advocating ones truth, somatic shift (centering), and receiving NVC style empathy are my favorite non-anger methods. We need concerted effort, though, to shift our habits on how to respond in the moments our self structure isn’t holding up.

For the long term we can also build more healthy “self structure” through self exploration. Finding out “who I am” from various depths’ of perspective and widths’ of practices, has the potential to both change “the story I identify with” and “the self structure.” Incrementally it will be easier to manage upsets, stick with content, connect with unmet needs, remember to ask for what we want – instead of react in lalochezia style language or walk away in a huff… 

Maja Bengtson,

Written in Lund, Sweden on August 16, 2014

I offer coaching, training, facilitation and supervision – helping people unpack and upgrade their stories, build healthier self structures and in-the-moment habits, communicate with authenticity and empathy, and understand their own and others’ intra- and interpersonal dynamics.  Please contact me for more information or to set up an initial session.  I’ll be in SF Bay Area again from September 2014